


how to deal with grief

by coffins



Series: loss and multitudes [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Family Loss, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Haikyuu!! Chapter 387 Spoilers, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Implied/Referenced Depression, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23271775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffins/pseuds/coffins
Summary: How does Kageyama deal with his grief?The answer: he doesn't.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio & Kageyama Kazuya, Kageyama Tobio & Miwa Kageyama
Series: loss and multitudes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673992
Comments: 12
Kudos: 206





	how to deal with grief

**Author's Note:**

> major spoilers for haikyuu chapter 387 so if you haven't read that yet, don't read this yet!
> 
> also this wasn't beta read so if you spot any mistakes, don't hesitate to point it out so i can fix it ksdhh

Grief is so, so weird.

When he gets home from the wake, Kageyama doesn’t cry. All he does is sit down on his bed and flop down to stare at his ceiling. He wonders if it’s normal not to cry even when the most important person in his life is gone. Everyone else there was crying. Even his sister who never really shows emotions had tears on her cheeks when they got back into the car and left. His mother, who never really sees much, had red circles under her eyes, and his father, a man he rarely saw at home, cried quietly when he saw the casket.

 _Kazuyo-kun… was really loved._ Kageyama thought, putting his arm over his eyes.

The next few days are strange. Kageyama still eats, sleeps as much as he can, and participates in practices every day. His tosses are still good, as far as he can tell. But something was nagging him from the back of his mind. Still, he ignores it; volleyball comes first.

When he gets home, he was alone. His sister is probably still out working or getting groceries, so he opens the television and switches the channel to a sports channel where a volleyball match is playing. As he moves back, he pulls out a chair, moves across the table, and sits on another chair.

As he watches the game progress in front of him, tears started falling from his eyes. It's the first time in years that he's cried and he hates how much his eyes stung and how he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He feels pathetic.

No one told him he isn't.

Kageyama doesn’t let grief get in the way that much after that. Volleyball is fun and he wants to keep playing against stronger opponents. That's what his grandfather taught him. So he continues to push himself to become the best player he can be, polishing his serves, practising his receives, and most importantly, perfecting his tosses.

Yet, no matter how good he gets, no one else plays as seriously as he does on his team.

“Move faster! Can’t you do that much?”

Kageyama breathes in heavily as he stares at Kindaichi.

The practice match is over and the team they played against is long gone. They’re in the locker room, getting changed, talking happily, ignoring the fact that they almost lost.

Kindaichi frowns at him. “Huh? What do you mean?” He asks, putting his jug down on his locker.

“You missed my toss. Move faster next time,” Kageyama says.

At this point, the tension in the air is suffocating everyone present so their captain walks in the middle of them and puts his hand on Kageyama’s shoulder. “Calm down, it was just a practice match-”

“But we need to do our best now!” Kageyama moves away and glares at them. “How the hell are we supposed to win when none of you takes this seriously?”

No one answers him for a minute before Kunimi sighs and stands up.

“We do. Just not as seriously as you.” He says, picking his bag up. He moves to leave the locker room and glances back after passing by Kageyama. “Let’s go, Kindaichi.”

As they leave, Kageyama looks down at the ground then quickly takes his bag and leaves, slamming the door behind him.

_Ugh, I need strawberry milk._

Sometimes, Kageyama wonders if he even felt grief for his grandfather. Did he only feel momentary sadness before moving on?

Tonight, both his parents are home and they eat dinner together. His parents mostly talk to his sister while they only ask simple yes or no questions to him.

“You’re still doing volleyball, right? Are you doing well?” His mom asks.

Kageyama stops halfway from lifting his chopsticks to his mouth. Something in his chest snaps and he can feel something rising as he looks up at his mom.

“Does it matter? You never cared anyways.”

“ _Tobio!_ ”

He whips his head at his dad and glares at him. “What? It’s true. This is the first time you asked.” He says, standing up from his seat. “Just stop pretending.”

Before any of them can reply, he leaves the dining room and heads upstairs to his room where he locks his door and falls on his bed to hug his pillow.

 _Kazuyo-kun used to ask me that._ Kageyama thinks, frowning.

Before he can think more about it, Kageyama flips over and faces the wall, calming himself. Soon enough, his adrenaline goes down and all he feels left is a kind of tired he’s never felt before.

 _I’ll apologise tomorrow._ Kageyama closes his eyes and sleeps.

What happens next after death? An afterlife? Rebirth? Nothingness? Kageyama doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to know. What good will it do to him if he learns?

The chair is uncomfortable in the guidance counsellor’s office and he’d rather be stuck inside his classroom, listening to his teacher discuss literature or whatever they’re learning now.

“Your teachers say that you’re more withdrawn than usual and you get into fights now. Kageyama-kun, are you okay?” The guidance counsellor asks him.

“I’m fine. I don’t need counselling,” he says, averting his eyes from hers.

“Maybe. But just sit through this session just for sure,” she says. “Besides, you get to miss your class.”

“... Fine,” Kageyama glares at the floor knowing she won’t take no for an answer.

“Is everything fine at home?” She asks.

Kageyama thinks of the wonderful dinner he had with his parents but that was resolved quickly. “It’s okay. Normal.” He tells her.

“How about school? Your club activities?” She asks.

“They’re all fine. Nothing’s wrong.”

“Okay, that’s good then.”

“Everything is fine. Nothing’s wrong. Can I go now?” He asks her.

“Has anyone close to you passed away?”

Kageyama blinks.

Maybe it’s some kind of guidance counsellor thing because, for a moment, her face drops for a second before it resumes its normal state. “Are you okay, Kageyama-kun?”

Kageyama blinks again then frowns. “I’m fine. My grandfather passed away but that was months ago. I’m fine now. I haven’t even thought about him that much now.”

“Have you thought of him at all?” She asks, leaning on her seat.

“Does it matter? He’s dead. Thinking about him won’t bring him back,” Kageyama bursts. “I’m fine, just leave me alone.”

Kageyama stands up and leaves the office and blocks out her calling his name.

He skips the rest of the school day and stays at home, watching old replays of Schweiden Adlers. By the time his sister gets home, he’s already holed up in his room again.

_Is volleyball even fun anymore?_

Kageyama thinks to himself as he sets another ball towards Kindaichi. Again, Kindaichi misses.

“Move faster next time,” Kageyama tells him.

Kindaichi spares him a glance before nodding. He walks away and soon, another ball flies towards him as Kunimi runs forward.

Again, the ball doesn’t meet the other side of the court.

“Can’t you put more effort? You could’ve easily spiked that ball!” Kageyama yells at him. “What the hell are you doing!?”

Kunimi glares at him. “I’m playing as I usually do. What are you doing? Can’t you match up with us anymore, king?” He taunts.

Ignoring the nickname, Kageyama clenches his fists. “The blockers will get you if you don’t jump faster than that.” He says, feeling his hands shake.

“The blockers won’t even have anything to block if you keep sending tosses like that.” Kunimi shoots back.

Kageyama doesn’t know what to say so he looks away and glares at the wooden boards of the gym.

“Kunimi is right, Kageyama. Sync up with them better next time, okay?” Their coach says.

Kageyama straightens his back and looks at Kunimi. “Fine.”

Practice goes on smoothly and everyone gets to hit the ball perfectly, sending it across the net. It's Kageyama's way of flipping everyone off with the way he sends the ball perfectly within their reach, and he knows that they know it, the way they stare at him after they spike the ball.

When practice concludes, they stretch then tidy up the gym. Kageyama leaves first and quickly changes so he can get back home. But when he opens the door, he's staring right at Kindaichi with Kunimi by his side.

"Ah. Kageyama. Heading home?" Kindaichi awkwardly asks. Odd.

Kageyama nods, suspicious of why Kindaichi is even bothering.

"Oh. Okay. Okay. See you."

Kageyama looks at Kindaichi before walking away. But as soon as they enter the locker room, Kageyama heads back to listen to whatever conversation they might have.

"Did you really have to do that?" He can hear Kunimi's eye roll from where he is.

"Not really. I just found out that Kageyama's grandfather died a month ago."

Kageyama feels his heart sink but he doesn't move. He stays where he is and continues to listen.

"Really? Is that why he's so angry all the time? Remember how he just used to be a dumb volleyball freak?"

"Yeah. I kinda feel bad for him. You think they were close?"

"I guess so. But just because his grandfather died means he can treat us like that. He doesn't get a pass."

Finally, Kageyama snaps out of it and starts walking away.

There's a weird atmosphere when he gets back home. He's known his sister since his birth and while they're not as close as they used to be, he still knows her pretty well.

As she makes dinner, Kageyama is reading Volleyball Monthly on the dining table. He looks up occasionally to look at his sister but he doesn't look long just in case she turns her back. But he knows she's upset with the way she's holding herself and the way she cuts the vegetables are slower than usual.

When she's done cooking, Kageyama helps her set the table and after giving their thanks, they eat quietly like they always do.

Or not.

"Do you still enjoy volleyball?" She asks quietly.

"Huh? Yes, I do." Kageyama takes another piece of fish and cuts it with his chopsticks.

"I see. Do you miss him?"

It takes a moment for Kageyama to reply but there's no anger when he replies. "Yeah."

It's the first time anyone's asked him that and surprisingly, he's not mad about it. Why should he be? Besides, it's his sister who asked and no one else.

"Me too. I miss him a lot," she says wistfully.

That night, while Kageyama gets ready for bed, he remembers that his sister had eight more years with his grandfather than he did. She probably misses him as much as he does.

_Was that why she was so upset?_

Kageyama knows he won't ever know. But the next day, his sister came home with the shortest hair he's ever seen her with.

How did it get so bad?

Kageyama doesn't dare look up from the floor as they walk away from the court, bearing the weight of a loss they knew they could've won. No one speaks as they take their things and move quietly back to the bus. When they get back to the school, what's left to do but practice a bit more?

As Kageyama serves, he knows that he won't be welcome to go to the gym anymore after this. They won't send him off as they'd usually do with all the other third years. He's fine with that. He deserves it anyways.

For the first time in ages, Kageyama leaves the last. He cleans everything up once he's done and for some reason, he smiles when he thinks that maybe, he's trying to atone for something. For what exactly? Maybe everything.

When he gets out of the gym, to his bewilderment, Kindaichi and Kunimi are outside, waiting for him with frowns etched on their faces. He wants to leave but he's so damn tired. So he waits for them to say what they have to say.

"Look. Don't even think of going to Aoba Johsai next year. You've ruined enough," Kindaichi tells him. "Just leave us alone."

If this were any other day, maybe Kageyama would snap at him and start a fight. But today, he just nods. "Okay. Is that all?" His voice sounds weak in his ears and all he wants to do is go home and sleep.

Maybe that's not what Kindaichi was looking for because his face contorts with anger. "That's all? You're not going to say anything? After everything?" He asks.

"What's there to say? It's done," Kageyama looks down. "Gone."

Kageyama stays where he is. He can feel Kindaichi's eyes on him and he wonders if he'll punch him and beat him up until he can barely stand. But that was just a wild fantasy and all Kindaichi does next is say goodbye in that awkward way of his, before he walks away. When Kageyama looks up, Kunimi is still there, glaring at him.

"Kindaichi's too nice to you. You never deserved a team like us," he tells him. "And we never needed your tosses anyways."

That's all he says before he catches up with Kindaichi who had turned back to watch the exchange. Kageyama doesn't linger long after that and he heads to the locker room to get changed.

When he gets there, he sits down on a bench and puts his hand on his heart.

All the anger he's felt the past year was finally gone. All that was left was the emptiness he didn't even realise was there.

Bowing his head, he cries again. But it's not quiet, like the time he cried in his house. It's loud and ugly, snot dribbling down his nose while his tears mix in with it. His chest heaves as he sobs and while he tries to wipe his tears away with the back of his hand, they keep flowing from his eyes until there's nothing left.

He sits on the bench a while longer before finally changing out of his jersey and into a shirt and his sweatpants. His eyes feel heavy but he still has to go home. As he leaves the school, Kageyama looks up at the sky before finally taking the first steps home.

_I wish Kazuyo-kun was here._

**Author's Note:**

> not a character study really, just kageyama not knowing how to deal with the loss of the most important person in his life. really, no wonder he was so angry back then. furudate's mind is so big and while i'm in awe over them, i also lowkey want to go in front of them and ask them if this is what they really wanted.


End file.
